Coronavirus Diary Day 118: July 8, 2020

Coronavirus “Cases” Skyrocket, Kanye Runs for Prez, Au Revoir to Zoom Happy Hours


This week, I returned to Valley Forge National Historic Park for the first time since March. It was a long lockdown, and I really missed my daily hikes on Mount Misery. I also went to the gym. It took some will power, and an early morning motivational phone call with a workout buddy. I was afraid of Coronavirus, I guess, but I was mostly nervous about the unknown levels of social awkwardness. Will everyone wear masks? How does the check-in/check-out process work? What if I forget how to elliptical?


Anyway, it was fine. I wore a mask. And let’s be honest, nobody at the gym sees my face. <insert peach emoji here>


In the meantime, Coronavirus cases are skyrocketing all over the gotdam place. And I mean, we’re testing absolutely everyone. You guys, there has never been another infectious disease on this planet where we tested people who had no real reason to be tested. Anyone who enters a hospital – whether it’s for elective surgery, childbirth, or stitches – gets tested. All students returning to college get tested. Professional athletes, politicians, and celebrities get tested. My kid was just at the beach for the weekend with a group of friends, and before they came home to their parents, they all got tested.


None of these people have symptoms, mind you. (OK, maybe some do).


And I’m all for it. Test away, my friends. Because if you have Coronavirus, I don’t want you holding my beer, OK?


But how can we compare this pandemic to those of the past? In some ways, of course we can, and should. But using the number of positive cases to determine if an outdoor, student-only graduation can happen seems… goofy? There, I said it.


(By the way, a high school in New Jersey cancelled tomorrow night’s outdoor, student-only graduation, because some students may have been exposed to COVID-19 at an outdoor graduation party.)


(Also, high school seniors have been partying like packs of wild animals for the past 5 weeks, so I really don’t get the point.)


Let’s talk about the increased cases in those under 30, most of whom are asymptomatic or mildly symptomatic. If they get the damn thing right now, us parents shouldn’t need to worry about what will happen if (when) they acquire it at college. I’d much rather care for a sick 18-year-old at home during August than Facetime with him in October about how to prepare an ice bath. (PS – he’s a cancer survivor.)


(So many parentheses!)


Look you guys, there are folks at risk. Folks whom I love very, very much. Maybe my own damn self – I’m 49! (Wait, what?) I don’t want vulnerable people exposed to COVID-19. Like ever, ever, ever. So please, if you’re vulnerable, stay home. And when you need to see loved ones, physically distance yourself in an outdoor space.


Ryan reports to West Virginia University on August 14th at 2 PM. We’ve been allotted a 1.5 hour time slot, when he and two helpers (AKA parents) can move him into the dorm. His roommate’s timeslot must be different, so us parents can avoid each other. There are only 5 students per dorm who get to select this time slot. These move-in time slots go on for over a week. Obviously, the system is meant to protect us parents, because by August 16th, the dorms will be overrun with hormones, dirty laundry, and Coronavirus.


Also on August 14th, my son will receive a mandatory COVID-19 test. He probably (hopefully) won’t have any symptoms, but that’s a moot point. He’ll get tested, and then he’ll self-quarantine (with his roommate? and his hallmates?) until the results come back 3 to 5 days later. He’ll either be negative or positive. His classes will start on August 17th (technically less than 3 days after move-in).


In high school, I was President of Mathletes. This math doesn’t make sense to me. But, it’s West Virginia. Also, I wasn’t actually elected, so you do the math.


Kanye West announced on Independence Day that he’s running for President of the United States. A few days later (yesterday), he revealed that he’s campaigning as a member of the new Birthday Party; his political advisor is Elon Musk; he’s chosen a vice presidential running mate whom he’s not revealing; and he’s never voted in his life.


Obviously, this is a cry for media attention. And actually, thank you, all major media outlets, for giving this very, very little coverage. It’s probably the most responsible thing the media has done all year.


(And while we’re at it (at what?), where the heck did all those Zoom Happy Hours go? Literally, poof. Thin air. I still have so much wine, you guys.)


This blog post has been brought to you by the letter P for Parentheses.


  1. (Let's do another Zoom Happy Hour) I also have a lot of beverages.


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